Today in my Berhardt Goats (famous columnist and friend of yours) column to bring awareness to climate change and the evil actions of climate change deniers and their pollution spewing climate change denier supervan I have chosen a topic close to my heart.
People prepare hot meals all the time, at home and in restaurants and saloons all over the world. This is terrible. Cold meals are preferably to combat climate change. I suggest lunch meats for 92% of your meals going forward from here along with Trix cereal and Twix bars. This will help combat climate change and do interesting "chemical" things to your bowels. Try it out.
I recommend it.
What happens it that heat rises into the atmosphere from your hot home cooked meal that should never have been made it the first place (consider your failures in the kitchen and how stupid you look in an apron for crying out loud). One meal might not seem like much but there are more that 4 million people on the planet and that is a lot of meals with a lot of heat rising off them. Also, keep your AC on all the time and never use the heat. Always keep your home at below 40 degrees (on either scale - they are basically EXACTLY the same anyway but pricks make a big deal out of sounding smart by saying "Is that Farenheit or the other thing?" "I dunno." "Duh." Like I said - pricks).
The other thing you can do is immediately after preparing a hot meal is throw a shitload of dry ice into the oven and put the food into the freezer. Do this right away without pausing for a bathroom break. We must do anything we can to bring down the Earth core temperature, which is what causes climate change. The magma becomes superheated and people die and dinosaurs come back. Climate change is more or less like flipping the tables when you have one of those game tables that has chess on one side, then you turn it over and it has checkers on the other side. Scientists estimate that we have table flipped this planet sixteen times since things initially began with the events depicted in the classic film Ben-Hur, which is soon enjoying a limited theatrical release for some reason. Possibly desperation to get lonely old people who are turned off by superheroes and people of color back into the theatre. There is no way to be sure.
Now, once you have frozen the absolute fuck out of your recently prepared dinner, throw that shit (which is ALL your meal was going to be anywhere due to your culinary ineptitude and the fact that you are an absolute prick) onto the table in front of your guests and remind them.
It is either this or the table flips and the dinosaurs get another turn.
Hammer that into your guest's heads in the most literal sense possible when they are over for dinner, or at least in the way this awful President Trump means "literal." Make them see the truth about climate change before that supervan comes around and they are dragged on board by really stacked guys in tank tops with pictures of The Fonz on them. I shit thee not (internet kiddie saying).
I want you to take the threat of global warming and climate change and receeding hairlines as seriously as possible. The future of our children depends on it. And we could all stand to be a little nicer to each other. Invite a noder over for pie tonight. It doesn't have to be sexual (but it could be).