user since
Sun Dec 25 2005 at 22:38:36 (8.7 years ago )
last seen
Mon Aug 4 2014 at 08:23:17 (2.4 weeks ago )
number of write-ups
378 - View lizardinlaw's writeups (feed)
level / experience
13 (Guardian of the Word) / 18846
C!s spent
mission drive within everything
de gustibus non est disputandum
to learn and repeat sufi stories
we are the dreams of the collective unconscious
most recent writeup
August 3, 2014
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The picture is of an art show hanging July 2014 at The Boiler Room in Port Townsend Washington. It is the Mother Daughter Show, joint art by my mother and me. The portrait of the woman is a self portrait of my mother. She is not angry: she is concentrating. The bearded man on the left is Alden Burrell Robbins, my mother's great grandfather, a portrait done from a photograph. I don't know who the gentleman in the center portrait is, but the title of the picture is "One Fist of Iron".
The pictures that you can't see well are my mother's etchings with my poems, done in the 1980s. She said that she would do etchings for the poems only if they rhymed. No free verse. We did ten. For nine of them the poem was written first. The tenth I wrote the poem with a specific etching of my sister in mind. It is called "Day at the Beach". The poems were printed on a lead type press and then each etching was run: editions of 50 each, individually signed by the artist. My mother died in 2000 and this is the first show of her work since.


Lily Allen

honeybadgers, yeah {}
and don't wanna be contained {}

staying balanced

I live on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State, U.S.

India Aire, Slow Down, Baby

I wanted to upload a spirit card that grundoon gave me. She said that it was about me.

Too bad there was never a noder meet near by. I've met a couple people.

update: I don't think I'm interested in nodermeets. Thanks, though.

sometimes even smart people make mistakes and hurt others

/me doesn’t miss lizardinlaw

I wondered what was wrong with me that it was difficult to make friends and why Nightmare Neighbor bothered me so much.

And people kept saying, don’t worry about it.

Oh, it’s all in my head, is it. Did you genuinely want me to go psychotic and be hospitalized? Why are you such liars and so mean?

Don’t worry, I won’t fuck your men. Fuck you though. I will leave.

Liars should have to atone. Good luck with that. How many years have you been lying?

I ascribe to the words attributed to Buddha: trust only your own experience.

And you do realize, don’t you, that if I hadn’t trusted myself in 2012 and now, I’d be dead? Thanks a lot for my kids’ sake and my neice’s sake.

I’d better redo my will soon, right? 1/3 to my neice. There, this will do for a record now.

And they say that vampires and devils are full of malice. Vampires and devils don’t hold a candle to the righteous, I can testify to that.

Dona nobis pacem.

I C! Now why don’t you C! this.

abandon hope

all ye who enter here

all me who enters here

you say you don't love Red Paw

you say that you won't stay
won't tolerate anger

and my angel says

that is ok

that is your choice

my ex loved Red Paw

one of my first beaus
same name as you
said "You turn into an ogre when you're angry."

I heard him

it has been 30 years
that I have tried to temper

that ogre

I am so sad

my anger now rare
confined to when I am very frightened
or hurt

as I was

but your words
are in my heart

a choice

to live in fear
that if Ogre Anger
makes an appearance
you will end it

or to slit Red Paw's throat

I think that is what you will ask
in counseling

not ask

I am glad
that it's percolated to the surface

I knew it was there

if you can just control this family
this house
make us over in the image
of the family
you have longed for

that is what your demon wants

your angel knows it's wrong


your demon would smother Red Paw
with a pillow
in an instant

my angel
and Beloved

that would not satisfy
your demon

not a bit

even if I were to quail in fear
and make promises
no one could keep

I will not kill Red Paw
who has protected me since birth
and loved me

no one else but Red Paw
and Beloved
have loved me unconditionally

I turn to you
I had turned away
after you say
you don't like Red Paw

I say I love all of you
even the parts that frighten me

you say
what frightens you?

I think we should discuss it in counseling
I say

then I gather my courage

the part that sounds like a threat
I say

you look surprised

I move to the front of the little boat
23 feet
Sun Tui
wind water machine

I talked to the Osprey
the live one
and the Coast Guard Cutter
of the same name
a great blue heron
a flock of sandpipers
another heron
flies past as we dock
distracting me

I wrote a poem
about meeting the child
in myself
with Beloved
Beloved and I
promised never to abandon
who had been abandoned
over and over
and was hidden and buried beneath rock
and Child came forth

I still need to rock her

Red Paw
and I
are all part of the one
and part of the Beloved
I lean my head against the Beloved
I hope you do not make me choose
I hope you do not make me promise

If that is your plan
leave me now
I still love all of you

but I have chosen
I choose again

I have chosen

I choose again
an open heart
and hope



You work at healing
For years

You dive in the swamp
Of you psyche
Turn over the mud
Tunnel through it
Breathe it
See lilies arise
From the muck

The Beloved is a deer
Dainty hooves
In the swamp

At last you come
To bedrock

So you rest
You think

Until you notice
A chink in the rock
You look away
You avoid it

At last you look
It isn't going away

The Beloved is a bittern
In the reeds

Fluid leaks
From the chink

Foul black bilious
Burning holes in the slanted rock
Again you look away
But not for long

You step forward
Touch the rock

“I am present,” you say
“Who is there?”

The steam of foul black
Pours from a widening crack

Beloved is a tiger
Paw against the rock

You see the acid burning
Her paw
But she does not run
She stands guard

“Who are you?”
You whisper

The rock crumbles

There is a child

“ Go away,” says the child

“No,” you say
“Beloved and I
Stay present.”

The black is swirling around you
It's hard to keep your footing
Beloved, an orca
Steadies you, swimming

“No one stays,” says the child

“We stay present,” you say

“I was born
I loved
I was abandoned
When I was afraid.”

“We are present now,” you say
Swimming by the Beloved
Hand on black fin

“I was abandoned
When I grieved.”

“We are here now.” you say

“I was abandoned
In my despair.”

“We are here,” you say

You say,
“You fought out of love
You argued out of love
You gave out of love
Please child
Let us cradle you.”

The child is silent

The tide is slowing
The rock has crumbled away
A trickle of clear water bubbles

“You will stay?” says the child

“We stay,” you say

Beloved is a whale
Singing in space
Singing to the stars

“Am I lovable?” says the child

You and Beloved
Earth and sky
Wind and trees
Moon and stars
Answer “Yes.”

“Am I loved?”


I've been sent by my mistress

that's right

the Devil

is a she.

She says that

don't need to drink
to find Her

don't need to take pain medicine
to find Him

don't need to take methamphetamines
to find Her

don't need to take hallucinogenic mushrooms
to find Him

don't need to smoke tobacco
to find Him

don't need to take cocaine
to find Her

don't need to smoke crack
to find Him

just need to stand still

will find you

are everywhere

And are One
After my sister died

I was so sick

Strep took me over

Ran through my blood

like sand through an hourglass.

I was lit.

In another dimension.

Crows talked to me.

They came to the house.
They cawed.
I cawed back.
I tried not to be too obvious
to the neighbors.

"Yeah, that weird
on the corner
she's talking to the crows again."

I survived the strep.

Now it's back.
I'm not septic this time.

The crows are back too.
They are talking to me.

And cats.
And dogs.
And chickadees.
And song sparrows.

I make a stab at their language.

They don't care
about my accent.

I am so surprised

to see that strep

has brought me closer to the Beloved.


You will always surprise me

with the tools you choose to use.

Thank You

for sending strep.


Yes, you may disapprove
Or approve, whatever

This morning I went back to sleep
A flash woke me up
The internal lightening again
Wide awake

I think it was the third iron band
Around my heart bursting
The third and last

I feel shaky and newborn
Washed in blood, lamb last night
Wouldn’t you know it?
I think vitamin A was the nutrient
That comes in the lamb
And I ate it with such hunger
Like a cougar, like a vampire
Like a wild beast

I know where I’m going
Just today
I know who I love
Just today

And there is just today
ERROR: Too many errors


sent me someone

who said, "We're in too many wars."

He was talking about the United States.

"We ought to finish the ones we're in
before we start another one.
The war on poverty.
The war on drugs.
We haven't won those yet."

He said,
"People seem to have forgotten
the war on poverty."

I said,
"The poverty is getting worse."

I said,
"I think of our country as bipolar
and afficted with greed."


Thank you for what you send me

He made a good point.

I wanted a Rumi experience

I wanted

the Beloved

I don't care

what sex you are

what color you are

what race you are


I can't even think

I am just so ecstatic

to meet You

oh Beloved
Why would I forgive you for leaving me?

On Easter my minister speaks of forgiveness. He speaks of the terrible damage to the spirit and asks: Can there be damage so terrible that the person cannot recover? Cannot find their way to the connection with the human spirit, to beauty and kindness and joy?

Yes, he says. There can be damage that terrible. That a person can be blocked. That they can refuse to go towards the terror, the horror. That we can only reach the connection of the spirit, the living joy, by going towards the darkness. If we hold onto what we wish was true, the life we wanted, instead of accepting our true actual life, we block out the horror but also the joy. They are intertwined. Without the crucifixion, no spirit would have risen.

How can I forgive you for leaving me?

I think of plate tectonics. We stand on continents, you and I. Different continents. We have made choices leading each to the present place and events have pushed us. There has been a bridge, a rope, between us. It was woven of circumstance, familiarity and family. It was strong.

But our continents move apart. Slow inexorable separation. I have held onto the rope, as if I could hold a continent back. I've loosened my hold as I felt the fibers fray. It is like the umbilical cord I held after delivering a baby. Only one or two like this: not well attached to the placenta. I could feel the vessels start to tear as I applied traction, as is usually correct. But not with these. If I do the usual, the cord will tear, leaving the placenta inside and the mother in danger. I loosen my hold and wait and pray, alert. I wait for signs and gently, gently, guide the placenta out. The cord has an abnormal attachment, a villamentous cord, where the vessels separate before reaching the placenta and spread out. Each vessel attaches separately. Easy to tear.

This time the cord frays steadily, no matter how gently I hold it, I touch it. Strands of memory and music and books. It is not enough as the continents slide apart. You are caught in the gravity of another sign than mine, drawing you towards different stars. I drop the cord and still, I can see it fray.

Yet the memories are still there, and the books and songs. They are in my cells, my brain. You are in my cells and brain.

I forgive you for leaving me.

I thank you for being here at all and near me.

I won't ever forget.

I blow kisses. Blessings on your journey.
Going home

I’m going home today

One way or another

I know it.

Another bolt of lightening

Wakes me up

And my chest hurts

(slow the breathing)

You know that they have the name wrong

Those lightening flashes

The correct term

Is Panda Attack

I hope it’s not the neurons

But one way or another

It was all worth it

Sending love

I am so glad I got to love you

if you were still alive
you could not call me again

you could say
"I'll call you back"
and not do it

I might cry again
I might be hurt

if you were still alive
you might not call me back
even though you said you would

I would take that in a heartbeat
over losing you

Hold on to me

I am climbing hills

Rising and falling

Out of the foothills and into the mountains

Steeper now, the rise and fall

Getting up to where the air is clear

Ice cold, ice blue and snow

The sky is dark and stars are out

Expect the clouded part where it pours

Hold on

Descent will happen

Hold me like a flying train

Roaring down the mountain

I’ll let off the energy like a steam whistle

Screaming just this side of out of control

Hold on

Hold on

Thank you for holding on

I'd rather not crash

We’ll see where we are

When this wild rides ends


And the train returns to the normal pace

I think I can
I'm glad you asked that question

I got enlightened yesterday.

Oh, well

actually the Beloved has been trying

to reach me all my life.

Oh! She has sent me messengers

Bearing gifts

I have listened so hard my ears bled

Trying to understand the Word

in the Music

I failed and failed

The Beloved

He sent me a minister

Who said

I'm glad you asked that question.

The minister said

Send me your questions.

The Beloved

sent me a daughter

I asked my daughter

what is your question?

Who thought up the idea of God?

Said my daughter

I still couldn't hear the Word


But I knew it was there

Years go by

while we search

Aching, longing, lonely, alone.

The minister asked again

What is your question

And I knew

Who thought up the idea of the Devil?

The Beloved laughs with joy

And I laugh with Her

And I laugh with Him

There is only One

And All.


To the Beloved

In you


Sometimes after I finish a write up

and post it on Everything2

and I log out

sometimes after I'm logged out

I press the like button.

That way, when I come back

I will know that one person liked it.

That someone was listening.
Love demon

Love is not "Do this for me."
Love is not fearful.
Love is not circumscribed.
Love is not control.

Love is seeing demons.

Love is making peace with your demons.
Being present for them.
Letting them out.
Welcoming them in.
Accepting them.
Loving them.

And when you have learned
To love your demons

Learn to love others’

You will stand and look

At the demons
All around everyone
Everyone you love

You will see them everywhere

If you have made peace
With your demons
And learned to love them

Then you can love others
Stand in wonder
Love them entirely
Angels and demons
All rolled in to

when I was born, they took my skin

i had no skin
i was frightened
i wept

a witch came
she studied me
i turned my head from the spoon

"Good," she said, "You may refuse it if you want."

She gave me the gift of anger

it was the only defense I had

but over the years
I studied and thought
and I found my tears
and I found my fears

i made my skin of tears
this took me many years
one tear for each hair

at last it is done
my skin
is complete

i smile at the sky
as i don it

i slip into the water
and i am gone


The mudslide was on your birthday

You didn't cause it, did you?

You wanted to heal broken places

It was clear cut too close to the edge

Or not. We love trees' beauty and yet need fuel

Watch over your daughter in her travels

Watch over me

Her father, your husband, my children

Our friends

Are you angry that she is going down there?

She is not unprotected

She has my love, her father's, her cousins'

She has our friend's love

She has yours

Be gentle, gentle

Send love
Nightmare Neighbor

sister snakes

touch tongues
divide the light and dark

which doesn't actually work
you can't hand your dark to someone else

it will rebound upon you

I liked it best when we were alone
and she was not reared up, hooded

mesmerizing the crowd

Pushy bitch

I’m so happy

To have found

Someone like you

Who won’t fall over

When I push

Who won’t withdraw

Who won’t be frightened

Who won’t try to stop me

Who won’t try to contain me

Who will just stand

While I push myself

Against him

While I push

As hard as I can
she's so close
but she's not there

she's in the other users
but she doesn't answer

sometimes she's cloaked
and speaks up

a silken shadow
swish of velvet, gone

it's her online name
not the name I grew up with

she posts old photos
daily, sometimes

I'm drenched in tears
of longing

she's so close
but she's not there

Sing a song of wertperch
a pocket full of rye
four and twenty blackbirds
baked until they cry

love will last forever,
love will never die,
yet the body turns to dust
while we can only cry

Were it better not to love
when love engenders fear
yet would trade all for loving
you as I do my dear

Blackbirds on the blackboard
clawed nails scraping squeak
our tears will fill the oceans
salty tribute:
we can't speak

Tears wash the board clean
we are empty, float aloft
and all your love comes back to us
enfolds and holds us soft
Spare the rod

You say you want a partner to join in work or love
It bothers me to hear you say those words
sand inside my clothes

a partner is someone that you respect and listen to
I hear a disconnect between your words and plan
someone to improve upon

You've chosen your next target for this thoughtfully
I can see that your plan would work quite well
practical and logical

I do not think that he will bend to your desire
Carved and polished, obedient as wood
sanded to a shine

Earthquakes and fire shake and forge our world
I stand in awe before the forces on us all
that make us grow

There is only one that you should try to change
The stubborn foe that eyes you when you shave
will keep you busy

And God will gild the lily

The way

The way I see it

God made streptococcus A

And God made me

And perhaps it’s the Devil who put us together

To make a vampire

Doesn’t work to be a vegetarian

I don’t want to be a zombie

God made the Devil too

So we will all just have to get along
When you broke up with me, you said that I needed to be adored.

I thought, yes, I long to be adored.
I thought, I am so sad that you do not adore me.

But it is not that I need to be adored. I want to be adored and long to be adored. Most of all, I long to trust someone.

That's what echos from when I was so little. That I could not trust anyone, no matter how much they seemed to love me. One moment might be delightful and I loved them, and the next, they handed me away. And parties, why would I trust those, when at any moment the police might come and it might turn from happy to terror? Why would I trust any adult, ever? Because they abandon me, even after they have said that they love me, even when they have said "trust me".

Do you have advice?

You have said that I brought the wrong things up in sex. But that is when I have to trust another adult with intimacy. I think that I should not trust another adult with sexual intimacy unless I do in fact think that they adore me. And I do not think that that is very likely to happen. Possible, but unlikely.

It's not a need, if you can live without it.

I am so happy that Trey said, "Mom, thank you for always being there." I think that both Camille and Trey do have that trust basis, that I adore them, which I do.

It's not need. It's longing.

I want romance. I want intimacy.

I want to be beloved.
I want to be loved.
I want my hand to be kissed.
I want whispered words of love.

What is the evolutionary value of romance?

To propagate the species?

Then why do I want it at 50?
Is it the edge of menopause?
Mourning loves and children I won't have?
Mourning opportunities?

I was always suspicious of romance.
I didn't want it.
I didn't see the point.
I couldn't think what it was worth.
I think this is mid-life. Not a crisis. But a reexamination of my thoughts and values, a time to unearth abandoned ideas and values. If not now, when? Now I can say: I want romance.

Sometimes feelings are painful.
To have a feeling have no logic,
no sense,
no explanation.
It is hard to open to wanting romance, because I rejected that
years ago, as silly.

But I have always approved of silliness.
I approve of being open.
I approve of wanting,
even if it's painful.

It doesn't mean it's logical.
It does not have to make sense.
I do not have to explain it.
I do not have to try not to feel it.

I give wanting romance room in my chest.
It feels overwhelming, a weight, a pressure,
from the inside pressing out.

I want flowers.
I want presents.
I want sweet whispered words, saying I am beautiful, desirable.
I want yearning.
I want to blush, which so surprises me.
I feel shy, even whispering to myself,

I want romance.


Flies in the catbox window in full dragon

Torches the place with her breath

Stomps and St. Helen’s blows another side

Floods catbox with lava

Brings full army of devils lizards dinosaurs snakes insects

All the maligned creatures

Plagues and locusts, bacteria, viruses, fungi

Infects and destroys

Slices off the hulk’s head

Pisses on superman, melting costume first and then skin

Slaps the shadow, yeah, like you think you know the hearts of men

Melts iron man, easy peasy wuss

Rips the X off the “men’s” chests and kicks them in the balls

(rests momentarily, calm breathing keeps heart rate slow)

Kick’s spiderman’s butt


This is for eve and my sister

You fuckers ate the apple

Quit blaming us